I thoroughly approve of the “inconsistent” revised Klingons;
forget all those fan theories about Klingon/Human hybrids, I'll
accept them as an improved visual effect. “Tlhingan” is the
best made‐up language I know of – Esperanto sucks;
trust me, I'm a linguistics graduate. But:
-
Why in that case do the ST:TNG Romulans still customarily
speak English?
-
Why “Vulcan”, “Romulus”, and “Remus” – names from
Roman mythology? For some reason ST:TNG stubbornly
refuses to name the Klingon homeworld, but the Tlhingan for their
ex‐allies' planet is “Romulus” – not likely to be a
human loanword, as humans and Romulans hadn't yet communicated!
-
Why the subtle but total reversal of their racial
characteristics, from (ST:TOS) devious cowardly Klingons
and duty‐bound warrior Romulans, to (ST:TNG) honour‐bound
savage Klingons and scheming cowardly Romulans?
-
Why don't Romulans have any detectable Vulcanoid psychic
powers? How exactly did they get to Romulus
(without FTL drives)? Why was Spock surprised by their
Vulcan appearance in “Balance of Terror” (ST:TOS1)?
-
Has Vulcan been “conquered” (Bones, in “The Conscience of the
King”, ST:TOS1) or not (Spock, “The Immunity Syndrome”,
ST:TOS2)?
-
If Vulcan culture is so “logical”, why is it entirely composed of
ritual mumbo‐jumbo?
-
Can Betazoids read Ferengi minds (“The Price”, ST:TNG3) or
not (“Ménage à Troi”, also ST:TNG3)? Own up, Deanna;
it's all bluff, isn't it?
However hard the Enterprise tries to boldly go where no man has
gone before, it always finds people already there. Terran
colonists on the planet Norma Major are fair enough; but how does
everyone else, e.g. all the various stagnant computerised
societies, come to look so humanoid? The excuses given are
as scrappy as ever, and come in two main flavours:
-
“Parallel evolution” – a supposed natural trend
towards humanoidism, as used to explain the Vulcanoids in “Who
Watches the Watchers?” (ST:TNG3) or those
(English‐speaking!) paraRomans in “Bread and Circuses”
(ST:TOS2). The idea is that sentient races become
similar due to sharing a niche – as have sharks and
dolphins. But these latter began with common design
features (spine) and restrictions (streamlining), while ETs share
little beyond a need for manipulatory appendages.
Starfaring elephants, squid, and centaurs might be expensive but
their absence needs a better excuse.
-
Prehistoric tampering by aliens; e.g. the Preservers who
spread Earth humans (like the Amerinds of “The Paradise
Syndrome”, ST:TOS2) through the galaxy millennia ago, or
the DNA‐graffitists who interfered in various primordial soups
four billion years before (“The Chase”, ST:TNG6).
Neither of these oneshot revisions explains why Ferengi should
look so much like Vulcans despite their underlying biochemical
differences. What the Star Trek Universe needs is well
established Ancients tampering millions of years ago.
Spock's father Sarek is an ET; his ancestors “spawned in a
different ocean” (ST:TOS1, “The Man Trap”). Amanda
has better chances of having kids by a horseshoe crab –
it may have copper‐based blood, like Vulcans, but unlike the
average alien it at least has a DNA‐based genetic code (the
medium, let alone the language)! If she manages to
conceive, how can a green‐blooded mongrel baby gestate in a human
womb? Yet we saw Spock's birth in “The Final Frontier”
(ST:TMP5), with no sign of biotechnological
jiggery‐pokery. Nor is he the only healthy, seemingly
fertile hybrid in the Star Trek Universe. We've met…
-
Saavik, who is, I'm reliably informed, a Vulcan/Romulan (big
deal).
-
Deanna Troi, who is of course a half‐Human half‐Betazoid
half‐wit.
-
Keylar, an engineered (but isn't that taboo? See
1.6) Human/Klingon.
-
Alexander, Worf's son by Keylar, whose hybrid background is
ignored.
-
Other natural‐born quarterbreeds, such as Devinoni (a
quarter‐Betamax).
-
Bayel, a Klingon/Romulan (with a remarkably complicated
forehead).
-
Sela, who is a Human/Romulan, and seemingly an unplanned
pregnancy!
What next – a Gorn/Ferengi? A Tholian paternity
suit for Riker? This is all inconceivable, to coin a
phrase. The simplest revision would be to downplay the
differences between pseudo‐hominids (e.g. no green blood; and pale
blue was likelier, anyway); blame them on the Ancients' genetic
experiments. Contrariwise, the non‐humanoid races should be
as varied as the effects budget can handle (I for one want to see
Muppeteers!).
5.3 CROSSBREEDS: WHY? [see postscripts]
Spock's dilemma (repress his human emotional half, or have fun?)
was dramatically justified. But ST:TNG crossbreeds
seem to be there largely to illustrate the very right‐wing
doctrine of “Genetic Determinism”. Some races are innately
rational, or dull‐witted, or vicious; and if you are half Klingon,
like Keylar, then efforts to resist your sociobiological
programming are futile; you'll still be a belligerent sadist at
heart.
In the case of a fictional interstellar hybrid, it may be
true. But weren't all those cooperating alien species
originally a metaphor for tolerance between the different earthly
“races”? Aren't they implying that these also have
genetically enforced psychological peculiarities, such as (say)
duplicity, or aggression, or a natural sense of rhythm?
…Well, if not, then what are they trying to tell us? (See
section 9)
1993 Footnotes
- 5.0
-
One more question: have they standardised on the stereotype that
alien nomenclature is always simple, or did Spock really have an
unpronounceable first name? My reasons for disliking
Esperanto are a bit technical, but if you're genuinely
interested, see Ranto.
- 5.1
-
Norma Major is in fact the wife of our glorious leader [now
ex‐PM], but she certainly ought to be a planet. For a
start, yes, there is a constellation called Norma.
- 5.2
-
That's Muppeteers in the Larry‐Niven‐meets‐Jim‐Henson
sense. Remember, they don't necessarily have to share
scenes with live‐action oxygen‐breathers!
1997+ Postscripts
- 5.0
-
Babylon 5's dozen‐odd recurring races are all pretty good, and
the Pak'ma'ra are classics. All we need now is some
non‐bipeds…
- 5.1
-
Notice that the USS Voyager, way beyond the reach of the
ST:TNG6 Kilroy‐was‐Hereans, still meets races that look
like bad‐hair‐day Klingons.
- 5.2
-
I'm not joking about horseshoe crabs; they have a copper‐based
respiratory pigment (haemocyanin in place of haemoglobin).
If you think that's weird, sea cucumbers have yellow‐green blood
(vanadium‐based).
- 5.3
-
ST:V has introduced another human‐Klingon hybrid.
Why oh why? Xenobestiality is a very bad idea; if
conception is at all possible, ET‐STDs are a certainty!
Should your plot need hybrids, the Valen triluminary
device is a better approach.
